The sweat droplets were nearly audible as they glanced off the rubber floor. I turned my head to see this guy at the gym busting his butt grunting and groaning while calf-raising. And I am not talking about rearing cattle. I mean, he was sweating and everything from moving those tiny little muscles just a tiny little fraction of a millimeter.

A few years ago I might have checked this guy out, maybe held him in a slightly higher regard for working out so diligently that he didn’t even neglect his lower legs. But probably not. Sadly, only now that I am older, wiser, and mommier I don’t even remember what this particular guy even looked like. Mostly because I thought what he was doing was so galling. Back when I was young(er) and had loads of time to waste doing God knows what I didn’t notice people blatantly sacrificing quality alone time on such frivolities as improving the tone of one’s calf muscles.

I notice the misuse of time quite frequently now. Even my own. I often catch myself thinking, why am I taking a shower while the kids are napping? Why on God’s green Earth am I wasting precious seconds scrubbing my scalp when I could be staring at a blank wall and zoning out? Why am I vacuuming the carpet when I could be soaking my feet in one of those electric foot baths that doesn’t necessarily make my feet feel any better but provides an excuse for why I can’t play Barbies with my toddler for the third hour in a row. (“Mommy would love to play with you honey, just as soon as her feet have finished soaking themselves into the suitable texture of a water-logged prune.”)

I used to take so many free moments for granted before I popped out those two adorable time suckers that lovingly drain the life right out of me. Only now I know better. Needless to say no one will ever catch me doing calf raises at the gym because for the love of all that is holy no one is looking at them. And, don’t you men know that we aren’t looking at your calves either? No one is scrutinizing whether or not the bottom half of your legs are symmetrical to one another nor are we in any way concerned about how those calves compare to the rest of your physical being.

Also giant calf muscles are not particularly functional, if anything your range of motion will be affected and those preciously sought after hulking calves will leave you worse off than your former measly ones. Plus they will never improve your ability to say, reach a can on a higher shelf. So stop the madness. Drink a beer, soak your feet, and maybe go raise some cattle instead.

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